Monday, March 19, 2007
Funeral wake...>

I'm feeling quite upset now... Since this morning, I've this bad and nasty feeling when I noticed that there were a few funeral wakes around my area. Just my block, there's 1 wake and the neighboring block have another wake. Also, it seems like whereever I walked today and the previous weekend, I always see funeral wakes. This gives me a very bad feeling... It seems to be telling me that something was wrong. Later in the morning, I received a message from him... A message which I wish I never received at all... He told me that his mum has passed away last friday and the wake was held at his maternal grandma's place. I was strike by the news that my mind was in a blank... The news came so suddenly and when I recovered from the reality of the news, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of sadness and guilt...

I felt sad to the point that I almost cried... Guilt was due to the fact that I wasn't around him to comfort and help him when it happened. However, I'm glad that he has told me of this news... At least, I could attend his mum's wake to give him some moral support to overcome this trying and difficult time in his life. Anyway, I could see that he appreciate my presence...
While waiting for the bus, he was sitting down and I noticed that he looked so tired... There's this sadness surrounding him... Although he can still joke and smile in front of us, I sense the weakness within him. It's like he's putting up a strong brave front in order us not to worry about him. Also, being the eldest in the family, I guess he has to put up this image to show that the family will not break down. But then, my heart breaks to see him grieving alone within his heart. I wanted to ask him what really happened to his mum that leads to this but when I see him in that state, my heart just breaks down and I couldn't bear to ask him at all... I couldn't reopen his woulds and pain when I asked him those questions. In the end, I didn't really talk to him much.. it's like I'm supporting him silently and praying for him and his family...

It just drawn upon me that life is so fragile... A life so precious can be lose so easily that it make me realise the importance of valuing each moments with the ones whom I love so dearly... His mum has been so nice and kind... So trusting was she towards him and I when we were alone at his place... Somehow, I've treated his mum as my mum too... Deeply sadden by her sudden departure... All this started last sem when I was away for my internship... I heard from his friend (Ivan) that he has been quite distracted in his studies due to his mum's conditons that his overall cap has been affected. I felt so bad about it... It's like I'm blaming myself because I was away for the whole sem and I can't really meet up with him to catch up with stuff.. I didn't know that this was happening to him... If I've known this... Perhaps I could comfort him and help him along the way.. Afterall, I've gone this before when my grandma passed away recently...
I wanted to hug him, comfort him, console him... but then, I'm in no position to do that at all... The angst that I felt... Oh man... how do i hate myself for it..... All I can do now is to pray for him, pray that he was get over with this difficult period and it will not affect his studies... I cried after I left the wake... The emotions kept within my heart... The sadness and the guilt just overwhelm me that I just broke down... I want to be with him tomorrow when it's the time to cremate his mum's body... I'm so afraid that he will break down and I want to be there for him... Support and hold him... But then, there's a limit to what I can do and accomplish...

# posted by Just Me!! | 9:11 PM