Thursday, September 20, 2007
In pain right now...>

I don't know what happened but my right eye is in pain right now at this moment... It's like the right side of the eye white, beside the iris is red and sore that I find it hard to blink my eyes. Plus, there's tearing.. Maybe, I've used my dirty hands to rub my eyes that caused this but then, I've this fear within me....

A fear that arose from my experience in the lab.. All along since my beginning of lab work, I've been working with chemicals such as methanol. Methanol is well-known to cause blindness when it accidently gets into the eyes or caused respiratory damage when inhaled. My main concern is that perhaps and maybe... some methanol may have gotten into my eyes before but the amount is so minimal. The methanol may have gotten into contact of my eyes when I was doing the SPE for my sample. At times, over-pressuring of the column might have occured which may cause some minute drops of methanol to spill out. Sometimes, my eyes might be at the level at which the spill might have occured because I was checking on the fluid level in the column. Even though I'm wearing my spectacles which provide some form of physical barrier between the chemicals and my eyes, I still feel insecure about the safety of my eyes. Right now, I'm preventing myself from allowing my eyes to go below the level whenever I do my SPE. I'm praying very hard that the sore in my right eye is just a minor infection due to my dirty hands and not due to the effects of the chemicals.


Anyway, I'm feeling very discouraged, disappointed and upset over my studies. Even though my honours project has been going smoothly, my academic modules are proving to be tough-going. I just got back my test result for one of my modules.... My lecturer made the comment that I didn't do very well for the test and that really disappoints me because I did put in the effort to study for it. I just don't understand why is it that the amount of effort put into studying doesn't always translate to the result that I desire for so much??? Even my friend, Zhiming, made the comment that sometimes... God is unfair towards me because he has seen how hardworking I can be towards studying, going to the library to get the resources whenever I didn't understand and paying close attention during lecture but my result doesn't reflect that at all. Instead, my friend who doesn't put in much effort like going to the library or studying on a consistent basis, gets better results than me. He just feels that I deserve the type of grade that he's getting instead of him who did not put into much effort.

I just get so discouraged over it... Discouraged to the point that sometimes, I wish that I could just give up everything and go out to work. But then, something within me always manage to stop me from doing that. That is..... I've come so far to be able to make it into university and should be thankful for it. Just how many people from my cohort of 85 managed to go enter university??? Plus, I've always spent quite a sum of money on my eduation and the time.. To just give up everything, I'm just not willing to do so. There's a chinese saying that could describe the feeling of unwillingness.. "Bu Fu Qi"
Anyway, I'm only left with 1 more sem before I could finally graduate. It's like running a race... I've come so far and I could see the finish line soon, why should I give up just because I've fell down? Life don't just end or stop just because of an obstacle. I believe that these minor or major obstacles are some ways which could strengthen us or something that might put us off-track from our goals.
I'm feeling stressed now... Stressed because I've an ambition and goal that I've been wanting to attain but it seens so out of reach from me. Since the starting of Year 3, I've been working towards improving CAP score in order to attain an upper second class honours degree. But the goal seems to be getting out of reach. I need to obtain straigth 'A's for all of my modules for this coming and the following sem in order to reach my goal. I've been praying for this and I hope that my prayer will be answered even though I've struggling with my current modules now. I've faith in my Lord that He will answer my prayer because He will give to those who ask if the motive is good. I'm confident that He will reward me even though I'm going through all the disappointment and obstacles in my studies life. I need to have more faith in Him because He knows what is best for me...

Faith and confidence.. That is what I need most now...

# posted by Just Me!! | 12:17 AM