Thursday, November 01, 2007
LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!>

I just don't know how to describe the mood that I'm in now....

Totally feel so depressed that I just want to be left alone... Just moments ago, I broke down in tears on the bus while on my way home after lesson. I'm so glad that my friend Zhiming wasn't with me then and I was alone. In a certain way, it felt great that I was alone then because I was feeling really lousy when I was in the lecture. My expression was lifeless and there wasn't any smile on my face at all that my friend Fadhir noticed something different about me. But then, the moment he asked me what was wrong, there's this feeling of wanting to break down. I just held on.... Holding back my tears and carried on with whatever I was doing then... The moment I left the place, I just let it out... Tears just flow out of my eyes.

The main reason that I'm feeling so depressed is that the condition of my wound has not improved after such a long period of time. I'm growing impatient, discouraged and losing my faith already. I've constantly prayed about it, praying that the wound will recover soon.... Having the open wound closing up and there is no infection. But then, nothing happened.
The wound is still raw red in color and there is pus oozing out of the wound. The pain is still there whenever I apply the medication and my doze of antibodies is running low already.

Haiz.... I find that I'm smiling less and less with each passing day and I'm getting into the hermit mode. The mode of not wanting to be around people because it just feels depressing. Depressing because I'm growing to dislike the smell of the medication, the hassle of changing the dressing and the oral intake of the medication. The worse is the fear that I'm feeling... The fear that the open wound will never close up, leading to a permanent 'hole' or great depression on my body. The thought of such scar occuring on my body is too great a torment for my mind that I think I'm on the verge of breaking down already.

I'm mentally, emotionally and physically wore down by the wound... Why is it that I take so long to recover?? It has been 3 weeks since I got the insect bite already... Why in the first place did I get the insect bite? Of all the people, why did the insect bit me?? For 3 weeks, I've been bugged down by all these questions. Questions which do not have answers at all, just spectulations....

Thinking about the entire year, it has been a bad year filled with illness... I've fallen sick 4 times with the common cold with fever, 1 time of stomach flu which causes me to vomit, 1 time of upper respiratory tract infection and this insect bite. Where have my health gone to?? Plus, I broke my spectacles... Reducing me to using my old previous spectacles before my new replacement is ready for collection.

Life can be depressing and miserable at times that I wonder what is the purpose and aim of living on this fallen world filled with sins...

I'm retreating into my hermit world now.... Leave me alone... Don't expect to see any true smile coming from me for the next few days. Nothing can truly make me smile except the improvement of my wound.

# posted by Just Me!! | 12:16 AM