Friday, January 11, 2008
A dream...>

Just a few days ago, I had a weird dream and to have a dream, it's quite a rarity because I sleep very peaceful everynight.

In my dream, I dreamt that it was a usual saturday where I need to work in the morning as a tutor and I was rushing for church after tuition. As I was reaching church, my heart was not settled and at peace, it's like there's something bugging me. It was then that I realized that I didn't bring my bible along with me due to all the rushing from one place to another. Then, I just woke up from the dream.

I really wonder what is the true meaning of the dream... Could God be speaking to me through dreams? Telling me to cherish my bible and seeking Him through His words?? Sometimes I wonder if I've been too blind and deaf at times, failing to wait upon Him and waiting for Him to speak to me. It's seems like our conservation is limited to unidirectional because I'm the one doing all the talking through prayer and then busying myself with chores after my QT with Him. As a result, I guess there is no chance for Him to speak to me.

I just realized that it's quite difficult to do my QT at home even though I have my own personal room. The main reason is that my mum is constantly walking in and out of my room, it's like she's pretending to take some stuff from my room. Plus, my brother would come into my room occasionally to disturb me. It's like I was praying, mumbling under my breathe that my mum comes into my room that I need to stop praying immediately and pretend to do something else. Only when she has gone out, then I could continue with my prayers.

To me... I feel that it's disruptive and showing disrespect to God. It's like you are talking to someone when you see someone 'intruding' that you just 'ignored' the person whom you are talking to and started to do something else. How would that person who is getting ignored feel?
I'm sure God feels hurt when I do that to Him... He's listening attentively to all that I was telling Him when I need to pretend to do something else. I really hate that feeling and all the pretending that I need to do whenever I tried to sit down in my room to do my QT. Plus, I don't like the tone in which my mum uses whenever I go for church on saturday. Though I don't explicitly state that I'm going to church, my mum somehow suspect that I'm going to church and she uses the cynical tone to say that I will be coming home late on every saturday night.

I guess the only way around the problem is to come home earlier and not stay out too late. Plus, the only time I can do my QT is when my mum is taking her nap from 8-9pm but on most nights, i'm not home yet due to tuition and lesson. So, the only time when I could do my QT is when my mum has retired to her room at night at about midnight or 1am. It's tough to be the only Christian in the family, especially when I see my extended paternal family where everyone is a buddhist or taoist. No one is a christian except me... It will be tough to stand up for my stand when the anuual Qing Ming festive hits this year.
How can I still show my respect to my decreased grandparents without holding the joss sticks? I'm sure my aunts will say words which are hurting when they see that I'm not holding the joss sticks. Should I do the hiding game?? Whenever there's such gathering to 'worship' our late grandparents, I will go out and say that I have something on to do? I can't always hide forever because I will eventually face them.

I wish that I had been born in a christian family where there is no such problems at all.. But that is just a wishful thinking on my part because God must have put me in this family for a reason.. A reason so divine that I've yet to fully comprehend it, maybe He wants me to reach out to them, using my testimony to motivate them to know more about this God who I worship.

# posted by Just Me!! | 4:29 PM